Interviews with RaistlinMajere

[RaistlinMajere]

I'm open

[Meldawen]

So Kendath, you've had quite the journey lately. You've changed a lot, as I think we would all agree. Do you think you've changed for the better? Would you go back and make some different decisions?

LDM - do you think Kendath's character development was a little unexpected? If you hadn't been playing him, would you have pegged him as the type to switch sides?

[RaistlinMajere]

What is this - an interrogation? Yes, I've changed for the better. I'm still alive and happy, aren't I?

To this day I do not know what I saw in myself to make me turn. No - it was what I saw in Merrin. I looked upon her firm belief in everything I thought I'd lost, and suddenly... I regret the day the Meiltha came upon me, wandering listlessly about the rubble that once was the high temple. Even then, Demon was almost as amicable as he is now. But he offered companionship and the chance to share my soul in this lonely world. I loved him as a friend and almost a brother. I love him still. But now that I see, I would not make the same mistakes again.

Just looking at his character bio, the 'ruthless and proud' (I think that's what I put) would not have marked him as a cuddly vigilante. But the conscience part made all the difference, as I thought to put more dimension to his apparently flat-out evil character. I saw his allegiance switch (or at least his reconsideration of his current path) coming from a mile away as soon as he had that conversation with Merrin about the gods' tyranny.

[Meldawen]

Events led to a choice between Merrin and Demon, it seems. An unenviable dilemma. You were very young upon deciding that the Renegade cause had no future for you, then? You must have seen something in Merrin not usually seen in a Renegade to coerce you into changing your mind.

Really? That early? So pretty much from the beginning, his character wasn't quite identical to many other Meiltha. Do you think that desire to go back had been fermenting for a long time, or was it a shock to him when Merrin reawakened his past, as it were?

[RaistlinMajere]

I was... fifteen perhaps. After the razing of the temple I'd fled to an isolated village, where the villagers came to accept me. I did my share of work, so why wouldn't they? The Meiltha patrol chanced upon our village in their search for recruits. Most of the other young men refused, but they offered the one thing I thirsted for - vengeance.

Merrin was different. Don't ask me why on pain of death - she just was. Many hypocrites in this world label themselves Renegade and manage to make themselves look quite convincing under the Meiltha art of torture. Convincing? Their lies are as transparent as water, and they know it upon the last drop of blood leaving their bodies. But Merrin... there was a sincerity about her. Unlike the rest of the imbeciles, she truly believed. And that... that authenticity opened my eyes.

There were a few signals. Firstly, you may have noticed that he was apathetic but not particularly sadistic or harsh towards Merrin. Secondly, he didn't enjoy the "sport of torture" as most Meiltha including Evlyn did. And thirdly, he admitted that he was never ambitious like the others. So I think it was fermenting for a while without his knowledge. His relationship with other Meiltha isn't the best, his officers don't like him, and even he and the belligerent Demon don't get along well.

[Meldawen]

Have you ever been loyal to the Meiltha cause, then? Merrin seems to have tipped a scale upon her appearance, indicating that you were not entirely tied to their principles. Would you say you obtained vengeance, as you set out to do?

So Merrin presented a viable reason to abandon the Meiltha, and he took it. But really, I can't see his Renegade officers liking him any better, though admittedly he has gotten closer to Gyre. Is that a fact of life, or do you see him changing?

[RaistlinMajere]

Vengeance is a strange concept. I thought I'd be satisfied with my first kill, but no. Vengeance does not sate - it consumes. Through my ascension through the Meiltha ranks, I held onto vengeance not as a passion but a single word that invokes contrived images of fire and rage. I managed to convince myself that someday I'd be satisfied. But vengeance doesn't bring back the past, only distances it, as I quickly learned but refused to acknowledge.

I say it's a fact of life, though he may grow more sociable over the years. Experiences only mold his character by 50%, the other is sheer personality. He was retentive and introverted to begin with, though if things had turned out differently he might not be the denial-loving, friendly guy he currently is. So yes, perhaps he will grow more likeable.

[Meldawen]

The thought of vengeance gave you no peace, then. Do you think you've found something in life that does, or has? Or perhaps that remains to be seen.

Can you see Kendath's character ever taking a turn toward what it might have been, had he not had the childhood experiences he did? Or have those made an imprint upon it not likely to fade?

[RaistlinMajere]

Dreams and a purpose in life. Not in sleep - waking dreams. It surprises me still how a striving towards something greater could so impact my perspective of the world. I'd always feared to dream, or perhaps it was simply because I had nothing to dream about. Dreams are born from hope, not anger. Hold on to your dreams - without them you'd be without hopes or identity.

Beyond this, I have no desire to touch upon this subject any further.

His experiences have molded him into the figure he now is - without them he'd be an entirely different person. He can try to forget his past in the light of a purpose, but some memories like the fear and pride can never be forgotten. That's just the way he is - some people go through worse experiences than he and can still have the capacity to forgive and forget. But his essence is pessimist and in character he's not a paragon at all. If I knew him in real life, I'd label him weak.

But perhaps he does have an inner strength because not many people can admit their mistakes and return to redemption. And that's where his downfall lies - he's not uncaring enough to die in blissful denial, but neither is he altruistic enough to completely forgive. He lingers between conscience and fear, neither lending him joy over the other, and he won't likely find peace for a long while to come.

[Meldawen]

A couple more questions, then - what would you say was your turning point, the moment where you knew that you were not one of the Meiltha any more? Or was it more gradual than that?

[RaistlinMajere]

I am, inherently, a hypocrite. I mentioned Renegades with weak faith. Might I label myself as a Renegade with no faith, however hard I tried to open myself that night after the gala. As for turning point, I always knew I wasn't the epitome of a perfect soldier - so my officers graciously reminded me. I thought too much. I questioned too much. At last I learned to keep these questions to myself, suppressing them with the denial that I didn't care.

Life offered me no other options until that night Merrin freed me from the Druids. The Meiltha believed conscience to be a downfall they found in the Renegades. Truly I never considered myself a Meiltha, though I kept repeating the mantra until I believed my own lies. But neither am I a Renegade. I don't know if I ever wish to become one, but for now I walk the line.

[Meldawen]

But would you call yourself neutral, primarily self-serving, like Garthag or perhaps Evlyn and Semri?

[RaistlinMajere]

I really don't know. Neither do I know what it means to serve others, though I believe I am beginning to learn. I have always acted accordingly with survival in the Meiltha ranks. Everyone among the Meiltha are self-serving, following orders if only to gain more power. I followed orders because the alternative was a night in the torture chambers, which I quickly learned after my first mistake.

Ironically, survival is not my only motivation now. Proving myself to the Renegades is another factor, so I suppose that doesn't quite label me neutral. That, and a newfound sensing of a purpose greater than one mortal life.

[Meldawen]

Perhaps to ask after that purpose would be a futile act? Which method do you think is more effective - the Meiltha's obey-or-die attitude or the Renegades' more flexible one?